my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
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Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
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It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Two words: nipple clamps
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