I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
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