my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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