drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
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Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
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You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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