My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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