well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Randomize
