I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.