why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
