tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
