I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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