I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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