oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Randomize
