Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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