just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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