Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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