Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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