I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
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Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
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I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
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