I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
