$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
