Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
