If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
