i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
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the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
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i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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