I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
