i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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