My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
