Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
