She's JV to your varsity
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Randomize
