If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
