Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.