I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
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Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago