In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
25 People Admit the Worst Things They’ve Done for Good Reasons
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer