I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
