my shit smells like andre
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream