Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
