Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
