Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
As shirtless as possible
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Randomize
