I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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