I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
