Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
