Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Randomize
