his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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