i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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