I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Last time i carry you out of a forest
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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