If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
