my phone needs a breathalizer
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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