the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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