the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
