Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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