allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
