eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
