I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
