honey bunches of taint.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
