Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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