you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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