just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
