ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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