you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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