That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
