i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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