Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
