you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
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I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
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I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize