Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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