Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
