I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
