once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
